What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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