I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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