so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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