I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
