Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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