My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
