Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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