Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
