Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
