I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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