Moan for me like Helen Keller
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
