i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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