NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
