Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
