Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
