apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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