They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
