She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
