i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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