Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
