bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
