Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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