News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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