pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
