Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
