Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
