just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
