You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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