my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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