She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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