I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
