i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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