totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
handjob tips. give me some.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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