Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Randomize
