my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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