I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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