vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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