I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
