i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
