I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He better not be in your backpack
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
