Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
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