What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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