we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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