If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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