haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
it's like heaven, but drunker
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
