In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
