were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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