Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
