dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
