Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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