In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
