alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
