the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
