No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
