Hey man sorry I got all grabby
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
