my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
