Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
