I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
