The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
