If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
