My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
