i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My vagina is officially offended.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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