you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
