i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
