he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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