Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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