i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
