i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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