when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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